It's crazyruthie's birthday week!
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crazyruthie

come say hi old friends!
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My friends!

Thank you for all your birthday wishes! I haven’t even logged onto my
merpagigglesnort account yet...i can’t wait to see the birthday wishes there!

If you are wondering why the two accounts have different birthdays, it’s  a long silly story but the birthday on this account is my husband’s and the one on merpagigglesnort is my real birthday which was yesterday, April 12.

Anyway, thanks!

I’m hanging in there. I’ve only painted once since November. The block is so severe that it feels painful. I’ll post that painting today. I’m pleased with it. I think I painted it near Easter, I’m not quite  sure.

Tell me how you are!


Lots of love!

—Ruthie 😘🎉✌🏻💋
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on thursday i am going to have my sixth epidural  steroid injection. the injection helps control the pain from the problems in my back. i have spinal stenosis which is a narrowing of the spinal column which causes some if the discs to get squashed (like my technical term?) and pinch nerves.

i have problems at L4 and L5 as well as the sacroiliac joint. my pain doctor performs the procedure.

they say "procedure" but to me it seems a lot like surgery! i have to fast, stop taking NSAIDS several days before, etc.  i go to the surgery center and change into a hospital gown, a icky  papery shower cap sort of thing to gather up my hair. they give you cool socks with treads on the bottom. i love them. i've quite a collection now.

two nurses come in and put you under a blanket from a warmer, oh jeez that feels good. no matter how hot it outside, it's freezing cold in the surgery center, plus it's just reassuring to have a warm blanket over you. they put in an iv and ask me a million questions. even though i've done this many times, i still feel a little scared each time.

the nurses are so very very nice. when the doctor finishes her previous case she comes in and talks to me and then they roll me into the OR which is incredibly cold. i have to roll over onto the operating table and lay on my tummy. there is a head rest, like they use during massages. they start giving me fentynal and versed--conscious sedation. you are high as a kite, so it's almost fun. lol

i hate laying there for 45 minutes with basically nothing on, my butt just hanging out, uncovered. joy. luckily the drugs make you not care too much because i find it extremely discomforting to be nude in a room full of people. there are lots of nurses. the doctor wears a lead apron because they use a giant x-ray  machine that is mounted  on the ceiling and tilts around as they need it to. that's how they know exactly where  to inject the cortisone...pretty important since they're putting it in my spine. the injections hurt some going in, but after that it's not too bad.

when they're done i get back on the gurney, more embarrassment because the hospital gown is totally open and practically flapping around as you move. then everybody gets to see everything!  i'm sure they don't give a shit, seen it a million times. but i do! once you're on the gurney they immediately drown you in warm blankets. the feeling is so good, like the drugs, it's almost worth it just for that. lol

in the recovery room they put ice packs on your back, keep you awhile for making sure your vitals are good and you're not going to have a bad reaction or flip out or whatever.

omg i have to pee once i get out of the operating room, so that's a priority! another time i had this surgery, the surgeon was an hour an half late so i feel asleep. i woke up  and they were rolling me into the OR and i had to pee bad, i mean really really bad. but we were practically there so i couldn't say anything. it was horrible!  i was pretty sure i would wet myself on the table. that's not so good for a sterile environment. thank goodness the drugs made it so i didn't feel like i had to pee. when i got out of surgery, i didn't have to pee badly, go figure!

you don't stay in the recovery long and your ride comes and takes you home. you have to have someone stay with you for 24 hours. then the back pain kicks in. it's pretty unfun for a few days. i've got quite a bit of various medical marijuana edibles for that time.

after that, you wait. sometimes the injections work and sometimes they don't. it's a crap shoot. last one keep my pain low for about 9 months! most of the others did nothing. but i'll try anything time after and after.  the pain is very motivating.

so now i get to worry about it until 8am on thursday. :(

i'll be ok though, i always am. :)
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last thursday i stayed up most of the night before the because i was so anxious about my upcoming the knee injections. the middle of the night is the worst.


i woke peter up an hour before he had to take me to the doctor for the injections. i thought he should hang out with me because i was so worried. good grief! who wants to hang out with someone in that state! peter took good care of me the all through the aftermath.. he brought me everything i needed, cooked foods i love and often came down from where he was gaming, and later was sleeping, to it visit me on the couch.


for this set of injections i decided to use the newish Synvisk One. the reaction to injections is the kind of pain i've been going through. since it is too horrible to go through it 3 weeks (it takes quite a while to recover from one) i was so worried the pain would be the with 6ml, the whole dose from the small shots, at once. would it it be 3 worse? would the recover be 3x as badly. i couldn't imagine that.


the shots were bad, though not 3x as bad! the needle getting to the joint with the needle was the same, really effing bad. the difference was that there was so much medicine and it was so thick she had to push it slowly into the center of the joint. she got me talking about me losing a lot of weight which is a great way to distract me. i did a lot of deep breathing while i was waiting because there were two giant needles full of something that looked solid.


long story short, all of that went ok. my huzzy took me home and i ate a 200mg THC medical marijuana edible. it did exactly what i wanted to happen. i was asleep all day, until the huz woke me up for dinner, but i didn't eat (unless you call eating another pot snack) and was in and out til bedtime. i slept on the couch for two days because getting upstairs to the bedroom was impossible.and i needed to be able to be near music and tv , art supplies and comic books and medical marijuana thing i could possibly want, downstairs!


i continued with the edibles. the pain was so powerful that i never got remotely high. i took some cannabis oil, a oral dose, and then i smoked a joint. i got through it without screaming or going to the hospital or making my husband want to divorce me! i took more edibles and then some capsules that act like an edible. that's pretty amazing! the large doses of edibles, etc, kept the pain low enough to avoid going to the ER this time when the pain was at it's worst. when it was, i cried out loud and held my husbands hand hard.

on monday i was still in a lot of pain so much that i went to the Wonder Woman movies, which is pretty damn impressive. last time i had a bad reaction it took me a week to get over. i think that's partly because i've been continuing the medical marijuana that i started for this injection crap. i'm going to see Wonder Woman again tomorrow, if my pain is low enough.

have an awesome wednesday!
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i heard an audioslave song, one of my favorites, on a grunge station and i choked up, got tears in my eyes. i keep wondering what chris cornell was thinking during that time between the show, alone in his hotel room, to hanging himself. what pushed him over the edge? all these years i’ve seen interviews with  him and he always seemed so thoughtful and intelligent. i have depression too (i’m bipolar), so i can imagine those feelings pretty clearly. i understand being able to play a show without anyone knowing that you’re feeling like you just can’t make it anymore. (not that i’ve ever played a rock show in front of thousands, but i have had to put an “i’m normal and happy” face when i had to. he had to a lot.  i know you can hide even the worst feelings.  i feel for him so bad. i wish i could have talked to him in that time between the show and his suicide. i don’t know if i could have helped at all, but it seems like if there had been someone there, who got how he felt, it might have gone differently. although, someone who wants to die enough to actually do it, will do it sometime, no matter what you do. i just wish and wish and wish it hadn’t happened. i try to hear it in his voice, when he sings, and i think i might.

i’ve had a lot of pain these past few days. it’s my back i think. that and my knees. the injections in my knees have worn off. you’re usually supposed to get the injections twice a year. you get them in your knee joint (or in this case knees).  you take them in three set sets, both knees each week for three consecutive weeks.

the last time i got them was a year and a half ago. i was having problems with my legs because of my spinal stenosis. at first they thought it was diabetic (yup, got that too) neuropathy, but then decided my symptoms didn’t fit. i was also seeing many doctors on the way to being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. in the middle of all of this, i got two sets of the arthritis injections (the medicine is called Synvisc) and each time my legs became incredibly painful. i figured it was the shots, since it happened each time i got them. i refused the third set (but it still worked for all that time!).  the pain was insane. the second time i ended up screaming and going to the hospital in an ambulance. the EMT gave me iv fentanyl . the pain was still intense, but it made me stop screaming. at the hospital they gave me a couple of shot of dilaudid and that did the trick. they sent me home and the pain went down a lot, but was still feeling too bad to function. it was like that for several days. i don’t know how i got up the stairs but i didn’t go down for 3 days. the staircase was impossible. sitting down on the toilet made me cry out from having to bend my legs.

so! it’s time for synvisc again and i’m fucking terrified. but the knee pain it too bad to live with forever, or even much longer now. i have to try sometime! eep. gasp. panic.

i’m doing something that might be smart, or it might be stupid as hell. i’m getting the one shot synvisc injection. you get all three sets in one injection. it’s 3x as much medicine as i’ve been getting spread over three weeks. the doctor says things like, there will be a great deal of pressure. and the nurse says, the reason not very many people get the synvisc one is because of the pain.

the medicine is thick and the surgeon puts a hypodermic needle that seems like it’s a foot long into the center of your knee joint. it hurts. a lot. but i could deal with it, i’ve been through a lot of pain over the years, so i was ok. but i’m scared about this one. will it be three times worse? i can’t imagine that. the only anesthetic they use is lidocane on the skin where the needle goes in. it doesn’t do shit and it hurts like hell when she puts it on, burning cold. beyond that, and more importantly, than that is the aftermath. will it be 3x worse? i can’t imagine that either.

i decided have the one time shot so that i wouldn’t have to go through the pain afterwards 3x. fear fear fear.  i have a lot of trouble with mental pain, but physical pain is usually something i feel very brave about. but this time is scary.

my tablet died. i finished orange is the new black and it was sooooooo super good. i can’t wait for the upcoming season. my new show is breaking bad. i missed it when it was so popular and i hear so many people say they loved it, i have to watch it. i want to watch better call saul, too, so i thought i’d better watch breaking bad first. i’m reading a superman comic called “secret identity.” it’s a little different than a superman comic we’re all familiar with. it starts with a kid whose parents’ last name was kent. they thought it would be a laugh riot to name him clark.  he’s the laughing stock of the town. but things change. i’ve only read the first couple of issues within the trade paperback. but already he’s developing superpowers that he keeps as a closely guarded secret, hence the title.

i saw Aliens: Covenant yesterday. a lot of the movies at my favorite theater play before noon. all of the movies before noon are half price! so i saw it at 11:30am. it wasn’t very  good. but that’s not to say i didn’t enjoy it. there were some jump out of your seat moments,  and some interesting new additions, but a lot of it was the same thing i’ve seen in all the aliens movies. people see pods and get right over them and look in, well surprise! an alien jumps out and plasters itself to their face. that never happens in an aliens movie! there were running down tunnels or hallways that are sealed and the person running gets locked in with the monster.  that’s an old aliens favorite. it was fun to watch, especially if you’re a die hard aliens fan, like me. one of the things that bothers me the most is that there isn’t any Giger art. i know why, he always battled makers of aliens, maybe ridley scott, or who knows else, used his art for almost nothing and i think they even used things of his after he left the job because they were screwing him over. (this might be quite flawed, but i saw a documentary about giger and that’s what i remember.) i know he was very bitter about it. in this film there were a couple of piles of drawings that you see that look or are giger’s work, but there are vast areas of things like columns with nothing on them when i can imagine them covered with carved giger art.

that’s about it for now, but i think that’s more than enough!

bye!

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my week

2 min read
I was very depressed yesterday because of Chris Cornell's death. I still can't listen to  Soundgarden or Audioslave, I'm afraid it would upset me more than i"'m willing to go through right now.

My own depression is bad, my pain is difficult and I have something new to be afraid of. It's a procedure that is going to be very painful.

I've  been reading comic books like crazy! I found trade paperbacks aka graphic novels, aka comic books that are collection of quite a few single issues in one volume,used, which are half off the  price  listed on the book. Comic books are really expensive, so it"s a great find. They have a good selection of older Batman books.

I can"t wait for the Wonder Woman movie to come out and The Defenders on Netflix!
I enjoyed seeing whatever that King Arthur movie is called. I enjoyed it because Charlie Hunnam was the star. I have a big crush on him, from watching 7 seasons of Sons of Anarchy. The plot was all over the place, i didn't relate or sympathize with any one, there was no character development,  and even though it was fantasy, it still seemed like it was wildly unbelievable  (not in a good way!).

I am trying to ignore what's going on in my country.  I live in a little bubble . Trump is ruining everything. Photos of him make me sick. So I tune it all out. I like to stay up late and close up everything...all the curtains and blinds. paranoid, maybe. Great need for privacy.

My neighbor complained about my dog's barking. I don't blame him, it's a pain in the ass! I have to figure out how to shut the dog up!

I painted yesterday and today. It felt good,

I hope you have a creative weekend!
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Featured

Holy happy birthdays Batman! by crazyruthie, journal

epidural steroid injection by crazyruthie, journal

more about my damn knees by crazyruthie, journal

my state of mind this week by crazyruthie, journal

my week by crazyruthie, journal